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love_sacrificedTitle: Coming Clean
Author: JE /immortalje
Pairing: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand
Other Characters: Nancy Gillian, Tommy Vega
Summary: When they get home after having lunch with Owen, Carlos and TK sit down to have a serious chat.
Rating: FRT
Words: 3785
Beta: Just myself
Other Locations: Ao3
AN: This takes place right after 3x08 In the Unlikely Event of an Emergency and contains spoilers up to and including that episode!
Coming Clean
Chapter 1
Once they’d gotten home from the airport and lunch at his dad’s, they settled on the couch. Carlos didn’t turn on the TV though or put any music on. Instead, he pulled out the very comfortable, but kind of ugly blanket they’d picked out together not long after he’d been released from hospital after his battle with hypothermia. Without words, Carlos had wrapped it around both of them and pulled TK into his arms.
It had been a measure that had come out of a little intervention he had staged with Andrea’s help for Carlos. He had tried his hardest to learn from his mistakes and flaws and it felt as if he failed more often than not at times, but the truth was that he wasn’t the only one that was imperfect. Carlos had his own flaws – one of which was that he pushed away his own hurts to keep others happy, often even refusing to listen to apologies or to really discuss what had gone wrong. From the decade of silence with his parents in regards to his coming out that he’d found out hadn’t been as resolved as he’d thought while he had a chat with Andrea to any of his own blunderings that had hurt Carlos in one way or another that had gotten waved off.
It had been a method that his therapist had suggested that worked by utilizing a signal that either one of them could use to indicate that there was a need to talk and that it was a topic that shouldn’t be ignored. They had decided that the method would involve cuddling for comfort – mostly on the couch, but any location would do – and that the signal would be that one specific blanket they had specifically bought for it. The comforting nature of it had been more important than the looks. Especially since it wasn’t supposed to be accidentally used for anything else but those talks.
They had used it several times in the past months since they had made up. More in the beginning when they had to get used to it and had a lot to talk about after months apart and his latest brush with death, but there were always going to be moments that required important chats. From confessing misdeeds, hurt feelings, bad days and offering assurances that needed a bit more seriousness when the other was feeling down. It was for anything that needed to be said or needed to be heard.
He had no doubt that he knew why Carlos wanted to talk and that it probably wouldn’t be just about what had happened with his flight and the what ifs that probably were still on both of their minds, but also about why they had been late to begin with. Admitting the truth to Carlos was on the tip of his tongue, but the shame was still strong. Especially if he allowed himself to think about how the others would have reacted if he’d succeeded. His dad, Carlos, Nancy, Tommy and everyone else.
Despite pulling out the blanket, Carlos remained silent though.
“It’s not your fault for getting us onto that flight,” TK finally said, not able to stand the silence, “Less so that there were only two available seats. I shouldn’t have procrastinated to the point of us running late.”
“I know,” Carlos said, “Didn’t make me feel any better to hear about it or see it on TV.”
Carlos took a deep breath and TK turned to look up at him.
“Why were you at the station?”
TK remained silent, not sure how to admit to the truth just yet but also unable to lie again as he had earlier.
“Because coming home to find you gone was kind of terrifying. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know in what kind of frame of mind you were in. Denial? Ready to run from everyone? From me? Did you just need space to figure it out? Because I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through. I can’t bear the thought of my mama being gone one day and it’s become a reality for you – no matter at which point in the process you are at right now.”
“I wanted to forget about it,” TK admitted, “In a not so healthy way. Dad stopped me.”
He felt Carlos nod against him, felt him subtly shake in that way he did when he was overwhelmed by fear, turmoil and terror.
“I didn’t want to go or even acknowledge that it happened. Pretend she’s still here. Forget the pain.”
“So, you went to work. Pretend it was a normal day?” Carlos said, clearly trying to understand with a slight dose of denial about what he had implied, but hadn’t said outright.
TK wanted to say yes so bad, but they’d promised to be honest and not to hide anything when they were talking like this. Saying you weren’t ready or able to talk about it was okay, but lies, omissions and avoiding to acknowledge that there was something were not.
“No,” TK said quietly. The words wouldn’t come. Not like they had with his dad earlier. His dad knew what it was like even if it had been his mom who’d realized the truth before his dad had. Saying he didn’t want to talk about it felt like an admission of the truth as well, because they had become good at talking about emotions. He just hadn’t become good at talking about his addiction. It had helped that it had been a while since he’d been hit by such an emotional blow meaning that while Carlos had witnessed some of his struggles, he’d never been confronted with the low of him stopping to struggle and just give in.
“TK?”
He hated how Carlos’ voice shook with denial of what was dawning on him more and more.
“I was trying to get some drugs. Dad stopped me in time but – the last time I got on a plane with such a short notice, it was my mom sending me to California for rehab. It wasn’t a nice flight either even if there hadn’t been plane troubles.”
Carlos pulled him into an even tighter hug.
“Oh, TK,” Carlos said after a moment which he probably had needed to adjust to the new information. He felt him swallow, before he said, “Are you still craving?”
“I never really don’t crave it. Some days it’s just easier to ignore or push aside than on others,” TK said. With an extremely heavy heart, he added, “And then there are the moments when I’m done caring about fighting it.”
“Like earlier today when you went to the station?” Carlos said, sounding almost detached which told TK just how terrified Carlos was by that thought.
Swallowing and looking down at the blanket, studying the pattern and the way the fuzz was sticking out from it, TK said, “Moment might imply its shorter than it is. It wasn’t really until after the engine blew and I needed to focus on saving a life that I snapped out of it and –“
“So, today’s a no temptations kind of day?”
“It’s getting worse again now that the adrenaline has gone down.”
He felt Carlos’ nod even as he remained silent.
After what felt like forever to TK, Carlos said, “Well, there’s at least one thing you can be proud of today – since you did save a life. On a plane that had lost an engine. With minimal supplies from what you guys said. I don’t think too many people can say that.”
TK just hummed. A part of him wanted to discount it as just doing his job and in light of the failures that the day had brought him. Yet, he couldn’t say that it hadn’t affected him. Not just doing his best to save her, but also her personality and what she’d said to him. It had reminded him of why he’d actually been bothering to get and stay sober.
With the emotional and physical toll that the day had taken, TK was close to falling asleep even as the day was just starting to reach the late afternoon, when Carlos said, “Since we have the time off anyway, we should just hunker down tomorrow. You. Me. The bed. Just cuddling. Maybe some shows or movies. Your mom had left me some recipes the last time for the next time you get hurt. I guess this counts, doesn’t it?”
“I don’t know. I do better with a distraction, something to do –“
“You think I’m not distracting enough when we’re cuddling? I’m clearly doing something wrong.”
TK huffed, but didn’t say anything to that. After a moment of contemplative silence, TK said, “I probably should tell the others as well.”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. Not right away.”
“At least Nancy and Tommy. If I had been successful, they would have had their names attached to the inventory. I didn’t even officially clock in.”
“But the others probably saw you there.”
“Still.”
“Okay. Maybe Nancy and Tommy deserve to know as soon as possible. That doesn’t mean you have to come clean to everyone. At least not right away. Or someone – me, your dad, Tommy or anyone you choose – could let them know that this hit you hard and you are struggling and to just keep an eye out for you. Nobody expects you to keep it all together, you know. This is your mom we’re talking about. Everybody knows how close you two were. And I’m sure they’ll understand that. You’re not weak for needing a little help and time to deal. This was a hard blow. For all of us really, but especially for you.”
TK just sighed.
“I could invite them over after work. Offer them dinner. Today is a 12-hour shift, right?”
TK hummed and said, “The quicker the better. Sometimes having time to think about it makes it worse.”
“Okay,” Carlos said, “Until then you should shower or take a bath. Because I’m not sure if you really got rid of all that blood and even if they know what happened, I’m not sure if they’d appreciate seeing you like that.”
TK just hummed his agreement as they relaxed for a bit longer before Carlos herded him to the bathroom.
Chapter 2
While TK was in the shower, Carlos called Nancy, hoping that they weren’t out on a call. It took a bit, but Nancy answered just as he was about to drop the call.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” Carlos said in reply, startled by how nervous Nancy sounded with just one word.
“TK and I wondered if you and Tommy had some time after work. I’m offering dinner, but he has something he wants to tell you guys.”
“Oh. Okay,” Nancy said. After a moment, she added, “Does it have to be both of us? Not sure if Cap has the time.”
Carlos hummed and said, “Pretty sure he’d like to say it only once without having a lot of time to overthink and spiral about it.”
Nancy took a deep and shaky breath and Carlos had the feeling that Nancy might have at least guessed why TK had been at work earlier that day.
“It’s not about doing first aid on that plane, is it?”
“No.”
“Okay. I’ll talk to Cap and let you know.”
“Thanks. If nothing else – I decided that tomorrow should be a lazy, comforting kind of day, but I’m sure we could work in breakfast or brunch if tonight isn’t good.”
“That sounds good. I’ll just talk to Cap.”
“Just text me when it’s good for you both.”
“I’ll do that.”
Carlos waited for a moment instead of ending the call. He felt as if Nancy was just itching to ask or say something.
True to form, she said, “How’s he doing?”
“We’ve already had a lengthy talk. It’s tough. He’s somewhere between acknowledging and understanding what happened and utter denial. Wants to forget it happened. Not sure if he’s more upset about missing the funeral or relieved about being able to avoid it.”
“Don’t blame him for either.”
“I’ll keep an eye on him.”
“I’m sure you will.”
With that they said their goodbyes and finished the call.
Not even ten minutes later, he got a text telling him that they would be over after work. Just in time as he heard TK start to search for something to wear in the closet. Without having to think about it, Carlos walked over and picked out a pair of lounge pants and one of his APD sweatshirts. Without saying something, he just handed it over to TK who just looked at him in question.
“You deserve every bit of comfort right now.”
“Thanks,” TK said as he held onto the clothes without moving to actually get dressed.
Carlos hugged him and when he took a step back, he quietly took the towel from TK and worked on drying off the areas that TK hadn’t been as thorough with after his shower. Not that he had expected him to be too attentive on that front considering the way he had spaced out ever since he’d gotten that call the day before.
Once TK was dressed again, Carlos set a timer so he’d know when he would need to start preparing dinner before he ushered TK over to the bed for some more time to just rest and cuddle that they both desperately needed. He’d known that TK would need every bit of comfort he could get since that terrible call the day before, but between his own grief, the fear as he could only watch from the ground and worry about his boyfriend facing yet another life and death situation and the terror that had gripped him when TK had admitted to how badly he was really doing and how close he'd come to a relapse, possibly more than that by the sound of it.
A part of him was upset because he hadn’t realized the danger. Not when he’d come back to the loft and found it empty and certainly not when they’d spoken briefly at the airport before TK and his dad had left to board the plane. His thoughts had been more focused on TK running from him again like he had months earlier when he’d bought the loft. He hadn’t even considered the other option. Not when he’d found the loft empty nor when TK had told him he didn’t know why he’d gone to the station.
~***~
The time until his alarm sounded went by in what felt like the blink of an eye of silent comfort only interrupted by a few mumbled words. With minimal effort, Carlos managed to rouse TK into joining him in the kitchen to help him with cutting up the ingredients for some salad, garlic bread and matzo ball soup.
They proved to have excellent timing as just when everything was ready, the doorbell rang. He could see how nervous TK was now that the time had come for him to have that conversation with his boss and coworker.
Placing a quick kiss on TK’s cheek, he said, “Why don’t you set the table while I let them in.”
TK just nodded, took a deep breath and turned to the cupboard that held their dishes. Watching him for just a moment longer, Carlos reminded himself that there was nothing in the loft that TK could take in a bid to get high. Still, the more time he had to think about TK’s confession earlier, the more he was starting to realize just how precarious things were currently.
Within a short time, Tommy and Nancy were up in the loft, greeting him and asking how TK was doing even as they could see him themselves from their position. He just shrugged as he guided them over to the table where they all sat down and amidst some small talk started eating.
He wasn’t sure how he had expected the dinner to go, but it wasn’t this silent and stilted dinner as TK wasn’t able to put up even the tiniest bit of his usual methods that he used to mask when he wasn’t comfortable in a situation or anxious about something. Thankfully, neither Tommy nor Nancy brought up why they’d been invited over for dinner.
While he didn’t think that TK would chicken out of saying it, Carlos was still surprised when the confession pretty much burst out of him.
“I was trying to steal some Fentanyl from the narcotics cabinet this morning and I’m really sorry about that. I would have if my dad hadn’t stopped me. And I feel so guilty for it because you trust me and you’ve got your names attached to the inventory and I can totally understand if you don’t trust me anymore or you’d prefer to double check.”
Even as TK kept on rambling, Carlos saw Nancy throw a glance at Tommy before she interrupted TK, “We already did.”
“What? Did – did my dad –?”
“No. He didn’t say anything,” Tommy said, “Nancy noticed you come in and go straight for the bus. Considering what had happened, she was worried. Even more so when she found the bag with the Fentanyl open when she’d just done the inventory and left it closed. She didn’t feel happy doubting you, but –“
“I can’t always be trusted,” TK just said, looking at his plate.
Carlos, kind of relieved that while he hadn’t thought of it someone else had, said, “That’s what friends are for, TK. To have your back when you’re struggling. It might not feel good – for them to doubt you or for you to be doubted, but they’re here to make sure you’re not going to do something you’ll regret. Or at least try their best to.”
“That’s right,” Nancy said, “And for the record – I don’t feel better knowing that I was right, but I’m really glad that we didn’t find anything missing.”
“Although, it was rather terrifying when your dad called while we were redoing the inventory. Not sure if hearing about plane troubles and you rendering first aid with extremely limited supplies was relieving or not,” Tommy said.
TK snorted and said, “Yeah. While it did help me get into a slightly better headspace, I wouldn’t recommend a repeat.”
“I wouldn’t want to be in that position either,” Nancy said.
Tommy quietly agreed and said, “The grapevine is rather impressed and worked quite quickly on that story though. So, we did hear that the patient made it to the hospital and was looking at a good prognosis.”
“Oh, yeah. I don’t think your dad or you will ever outrun the reputation of somehow making it out of all kinds of dangerous situations not only alive, but as a hero.”
TK huffed and said, “I don’t really feel like a hero. That might have gone well, but the rest of the day was –“
“It might not have been your best day,” Tommy said, “But grief is a very powerful emotion. It can make you do a lot of things that you wouldn’t do otherwise. We’re both very glad that you were honest with us and I’m sure we’ll be able to work out something for when you’re back at work. Whether that’s sticking you with driving duty more often, sticking to tasks that don’t require you accessing any narcotics or just keeping a closer eye on you until you do feel better. But first, you should take all the available time to mourn.”
TK took a shaky breath even as he nodded his agreement.
From then on, the rest of the meal was filled with lighter topics to counteract the seriousness of TK’s confession, but Carlos didn’t mind the ease of tenseness. He doubted that any of them would be able to full relax with the seriousness of the situation for a while, but he knew from experience that TK needed a healthy mix of tough love and moments of reprieve where he could have a moment to just breathe.
Before he knew it, he was walking Tommy and Nancy to the door as TK started to clean up after hugging the two women as they said their goodbyes.
As he held out the jacket for Nancy, he hesitated for a moment before he said, “TK’s thinking about telling the others as well, but I’m not sure if he’s quite there yet. I’m trying not to pressure him about it, but I can see that even as he thinks that he should tell them, he’s not ready yet to admit it to more people. Since you guys work together, it felt more important to him that you two know.”
Tommy nodded and said, “We’re also able to keep an even closer eye on him and the most likely to be affected workwise if he does slip. We’ll give him time to tell the others.”
Nancy said, “And I’ll let you know if anyone is suspicious. Because – as much as it sucks that I was right to be worried, I’m glad to know so we can keep our eyes open. And if I noticed, I might not have been the only one.”
“I’m sure he’ll appreciate a heads up like that. I know that part of his recovery journey is admitting the truth, but I also offered to let the others know for him. I mean, he has admitted the truth. Does it have to be him that admits it to everyone else in person? I might have to do some more research into that.”
They all took a deep breath and one last glance at where TK was studiously focusing on the cleanup, no doubt aware that they were talking about him.
Nancy sighed and said, “Keep us updated on how he’s doing. And let us know if there’s anything we can do.”
“I will. Thanks for the offer.”
With some more tight smiles, they all offered a final round of goodbyes and then they were out of the door and heading towards the elevator. Carlos sighed as he closed the door, wondering what the next steps should be. He’d thought he’d seen TK at rock bottom when they first met, but truthfully, that had been several weeks after his last relapse when the first steps to getting better had already been taken. Right now, even though TK hadn’t actually relapsed, they were back to the beginning on figuring out how to take the next steps in this journey. A journey that was missing someone who had been quite vital in TK’s journey in life and in his recovery so far.
Author: JE /
immortaljePairing: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand
Other Characters: Nancy Gillian, Tommy Vega
Summary: When they get home after having lunch with Owen, Carlos and TK sit down to have a serious chat.
Rating: FRT
Words: 3785
Beta: Just myself
Other Locations: Ao3
AN: This takes place right after 3x08 In the Unlikely Event of an Emergency and contains spoilers up to and including that episode!
Once they’d gotten home from the airport and lunch at his dad’s, they settled on the couch. Carlos didn’t turn on the TV though or put any music on. Instead, he pulled out the very comfortable, but kind of ugly blanket they’d picked out together not long after he’d been released from hospital after his battle with hypothermia. Without words, Carlos had wrapped it around both of them and pulled TK into his arms.
It had been a measure that had come out of a little intervention he had staged with Andrea’s help for Carlos. He had tried his hardest to learn from his mistakes and flaws and it felt as if he failed more often than not at times, but the truth was that he wasn’t the only one that was imperfect. Carlos had his own flaws – one of which was that he pushed away his own hurts to keep others happy, often even refusing to listen to apologies or to really discuss what had gone wrong. From the decade of silence with his parents in regards to his coming out that he’d found out hadn’t been as resolved as he’d thought while he had a chat with Andrea to any of his own blunderings that had hurt Carlos in one way or another that had gotten waved off.
It had been a method that his therapist had suggested that worked by utilizing a signal that either one of them could use to indicate that there was a need to talk and that it was a topic that shouldn’t be ignored. They had decided that the method would involve cuddling for comfort – mostly on the couch, but any location would do – and that the signal would be that one specific blanket they had specifically bought for it. The comforting nature of it had been more important than the looks. Especially since it wasn’t supposed to be accidentally used for anything else but those talks.
They had used it several times in the past months since they had made up. More in the beginning when they had to get used to it and had a lot to talk about after months apart and his latest brush with death, but there were always going to be moments that required important chats. From confessing misdeeds, hurt feelings, bad days and offering assurances that needed a bit more seriousness when the other was feeling down. It was for anything that needed to be said or needed to be heard.
He had no doubt that he knew why Carlos wanted to talk and that it probably wouldn’t be just about what had happened with his flight and the what ifs that probably were still on both of their minds, but also about why they had been late to begin with. Admitting the truth to Carlos was on the tip of his tongue, but the shame was still strong. Especially if he allowed himself to think about how the others would have reacted if he’d succeeded. His dad, Carlos, Nancy, Tommy and everyone else.
Despite pulling out the blanket, Carlos remained silent though.
“It’s not your fault for getting us onto that flight,” TK finally said, not able to stand the silence, “Less so that there were only two available seats. I shouldn’t have procrastinated to the point of us running late.”
“I know,” Carlos said, “Didn’t make me feel any better to hear about it or see it on TV.”
Carlos took a deep breath and TK turned to look up at him.
“Why were you at the station?”
TK remained silent, not sure how to admit to the truth just yet but also unable to lie again as he had earlier.
“Because coming home to find you gone was kind of terrifying. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know in what kind of frame of mind you were in. Denial? Ready to run from everyone? From me? Did you just need space to figure it out? Because I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through. I can’t bear the thought of my mama being gone one day and it’s become a reality for you – no matter at which point in the process you are at right now.”
“I wanted to forget about it,” TK admitted, “In a not so healthy way. Dad stopped me.”
He felt Carlos nod against him, felt him subtly shake in that way he did when he was overwhelmed by fear, turmoil and terror.
“I didn’t want to go or even acknowledge that it happened. Pretend she’s still here. Forget the pain.”
“So, you went to work. Pretend it was a normal day?” Carlos said, clearly trying to understand with a slight dose of denial about what he had implied, but hadn’t said outright.
TK wanted to say yes so bad, but they’d promised to be honest and not to hide anything when they were talking like this. Saying you weren’t ready or able to talk about it was okay, but lies, omissions and avoiding to acknowledge that there was something were not.
“No,” TK said quietly. The words wouldn’t come. Not like they had with his dad earlier. His dad knew what it was like even if it had been his mom who’d realized the truth before his dad had. Saying he didn’t want to talk about it felt like an admission of the truth as well, because they had become good at talking about emotions. He just hadn’t become good at talking about his addiction. It had helped that it had been a while since he’d been hit by such an emotional blow meaning that while Carlos had witnessed some of his struggles, he’d never been confronted with the low of him stopping to struggle and just give in.
“TK?”
He hated how Carlos’ voice shook with denial of what was dawning on him more and more.
“I was trying to get some drugs. Dad stopped me in time but – the last time I got on a plane with such a short notice, it was my mom sending me to California for rehab. It wasn’t a nice flight either even if there hadn’t been plane troubles.”
Carlos pulled him into an even tighter hug.
“Oh, TK,” Carlos said after a moment which he probably had needed to adjust to the new information. He felt him swallow, before he said, “Are you still craving?”
“I never really don’t crave it. Some days it’s just easier to ignore or push aside than on others,” TK said. With an extremely heavy heart, he added, “And then there are the moments when I’m done caring about fighting it.”
“Like earlier today when you went to the station?” Carlos said, sounding almost detached which told TK just how terrified Carlos was by that thought.
Swallowing and looking down at the blanket, studying the pattern and the way the fuzz was sticking out from it, TK said, “Moment might imply its shorter than it is. It wasn’t really until after the engine blew and I needed to focus on saving a life that I snapped out of it and –“
“So, today’s a no temptations kind of day?”
“It’s getting worse again now that the adrenaline has gone down.”
He felt Carlos’ nod even as he remained silent.
After what felt like forever to TK, Carlos said, “Well, there’s at least one thing you can be proud of today – since you did save a life. On a plane that had lost an engine. With minimal supplies from what you guys said. I don’t think too many people can say that.”
TK just hummed. A part of him wanted to discount it as just doing his job and in light of the failures that the day had brought him. Yet, he couldn’t say that it hadn’t affected him. Not just doing his best to save her, but also her personality and what she’d said to him. It had reminded him of why he’d actually been bothering to get and stay sober.
With the emotional and physical toll that the day had taken, TK was close to falling asleep even as the day was just starting to reach the late afternoon, when Carlos said, “Since we have the time off anyway, we should just hunker down tomorrow. You. Me. The bed. Just cuddling. Maybe some shows or movies. Your mom had left me some recipes the last time for the next time you get hurt. I guess this counts, doesn’t it?”
“I don’t know. I do better with a distraction, something to do –“
“You think I’m not distracting enough when we’re cuddling? I’m clearly doing something wrong.”
TK huffed, but didn’t say anything to that. After a moment of contemplative silence, TK said, “I probably should tell the others as well.”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. Not right away.”
“At least Nancy and Tommy. If I had been successful, they would have had their names attached to the inventory. I didn’t even officially clock in.”
“But the others probably saw you there.”
“Still.”
“Okay. Maybe Nancy and Tommy deserve to know as soon as possible. That doesn’t mean you have to come clean to everyone. At least not right away. Or someone – me, your dad, Tommy or anyone you choose – could let them know that this hit you hard and you are struggling and to just keep an eye out for you. Nobody expects you to keep it all together, you know. This is your mom we’re talking about. Everybody knows how close you two were. And I’m sure they’ll understand that. You’re not weak for needing a little help and time to deal. This was a hard blow. For all of us really, but especially for you.”
TK just sighed.
“I could invite them over after work. Offer them dinner. Today is a 12-hour shift, right?”
TK hummed and said, “The quicker the better. Sometimes having time to think about it makes it worse.”
“Okay,” Carlos said, “Until then you should shower or take a bath. Because I’m not sure if you really got rid of all that blood and even if they know what happened, I’m not sure if they’d appreciate seeing you like that.”
TK just hummed his agreement as they relaxed for a bit longer before Carlos herded him to the bathroom.
While TK was in the shower, Carlos called Nancy, hoping that they weren’t out on a call. It took a bit, but Nancy answered just as he was about to drop the call.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” Carlos said in reply, startled by how nervous Nancy sounded with just one word.
“TK and I wondered if you and Tommy had some time after work. I’m offering dinner, but he has something he wants to tell you guys.”
“Oh. Okay,” Nancy said. After a moment, she added, “Does it have to be both of us? Not sure if Cap has the time.”
Carlos hummed and said, “Pretty sure he’d like to say it only once without having a lot of time to overthink and spiral about it.”
Nancy took a deep and shaky breath and Carlos had the feeling that Nancy might have at least guessed why TK had been at work earlier that day.
“It’s not about doing first aid on that plane, is it?”
“No.”
“Okay. I’ll talk to Cap and let you know.”
“Thanks. If nothing else – I decided that tomorrow should be a lazy, comforting kind of day, but I’m sure we could work in breakfast or brunch if tonight isn’t good.”
“That sounds good. I’ll just talk to Cap.”
“Just text me when it’s good for you both.”
“I’ll do that.”
Carlos waited for a moment instead of ending the call. He felt as if Nancy was just itching to ask or say something.
True to form, she said, “How’s he doing?”
“We’ve already had a lengthy talk. It’s tough. He’s somewhere between acknowledging and understanding what happened and utter denial. Wants to forget it happened. Not sure if he’s more upset about missing the funeral or relieved about being able to avoid it.”
“Don’t blame him for either.”
“I’ll keep an eye on him.”
“I’m sure you will.”
With that they said their goodbyes and finished the call.
Not even ten minutes later, he got a text telling him that they would be over after work. Just in time as he heard TK start to search for something to wear in the closet. Without having to think about it, Carlos walked over and picked out a pair of lounge pants and one of his APD sweatshirts. Without saying something, he just handed it over to TK who just looked at him in question.
“You deserve every bit of comfort right now.”
“Thanks,” TK said as he held onto the clothes without moving to actually get dressed.
Carlos hugged him and when he took a step back, he quietly took the towel from TK and worked on drying off the areas that TK hadn’t been as thorough with after his shower. Not that he had expected him to be too attentive on that front considering the way he had spaced out ever since he’d gotten that call the day before.
Once TK was dressed again, Carlos set a timer so he’d know when he would need to start preparing dinner before he ushered TK over to the bed for some more time to just rest and cuddle that they both desperately needed. He’d known that TK would need every bit of comfort he could get since that terrible call the day before, but between his own grief, the fear as he could only watch from the ground and worry about his boyfriend facing yet another life and death situation and the terror that had gripped him when TK had admitted to how badly he was really doing and how close he'd come to a relapse, possibly more than that by the sound of it.
A part of him was upset because he hadn’t realized the danger. Not when he’d come back to the loft and found it empty and certainly not when they’d spoken briefly at the airport before TK and his dad had left to board the plane. His thoughts had been more focused on TK running from him again like he had months earlier when he’d bought the loft. He hadn’t even considered the other option. Not when he’d found the loft empty nor when TK had told him he didn’t know why he’d gone to the station.
~***~
The time until his alarm sounded went by in what felt like the blink of an eye of silent comfort only interrupted by a few mumbled words. With minimal effort, Carlos managed to rouse TK into joining him in the kitchen to help him with cutting up the ingredients for some salad, garlic bread and matzo ball soup.
They proved to have excellent timing as just when everything was ready, the doorbell rang. He could see how nervous TK was now that the time had come for him to have that conversation with his boss and coworker.
Placing a quick kiss on TK’s cheek, he said, “Why don’t you set the table while I let them in.”
TK just nodded, took a deep breath and turned to the cupboard that held their dishes. Watching him for just a moment longer, Carlos reminded himself that there was nothing in the loft that TK could take in a bid to get high. Still, the more time he had to think about TK’s confession earlier, the more he was starting to realize just how precarious things were currently.
Within a short time, Tommy and Nancy were up in the loft, greeting him and asking how TK was doing even as they could see him themselves from their position. He just shrugged as he guided them over to the table where they all sat down and amidst some small talk started eating.
He wasn’t sure how he had expected the dinner to go, but it wasn’t this silent and stilted dinner as TK wasn’t able to put up even the tiniest bit of his usual methods that he used to mask when he wasn’t comfortable in a situation or anxious about something. Thankfully, neither Tommy nor Nancy brought up why they’d been invited over for dinner.
While he didn’t think that TK would chicken out of saying it, Carlos was still surprised when the confession pretty much burst out of him.
“I was trying to steal some Fentanyl from the narcotics cabinet this morning and I’m really sorry about that. I would have if my dad hadn’t stopped me. And I feel so guilty for it because you trust me and you’ve got your names attached to the inventory and I can totally understand if you don’t trust me anymore or you’d prefer to double check.”
Even as TK kept on rambling, Carlos saw Nancy throw a glance at Tommy before she interrupted TK, “We already did.”
“What? Did – did my dad –?”
“No. He didn’t say anything,” Tommy said, “Nancy noticed you come in and go straight for the bus. Considering what had happened, she was worried. Even more so when she found the bag with the Fentanyl open when she’d just done the inventory and left it closed. She didn’t feel happy doubting you, but –“
“I can’t always be trusted,” TK just said, looking at his plate.
Carlos, kind of relieved that while he hadn’t thought of it someone else had, said, “That’s what friends are for, TK. To have your back when you’re struggling. It might not feel good – for them to doubt you or for you to be doubted, but they’re here to make sure you’re not going to do something you’ll regret. Or at least try their best to.”
“That’s right,” Nancy said, “And for the record – I don’t feel better knowing that I was right, but I’m really glad that we didn’t find anything missing.”
“Although, it was rather terrifying when your dad called while we were redoing the inventory. Not sure if hearing about plane troubles and you rendering first aid with extremely limited supplies was relieving or not,” Tommy said.
TK snorted and said, “Yeah. While it did help me get into a slightly better headspace, I wouldn’t recommend a repeat.”
“I wouldn’t want to be in that position either,” Nancy said.
Tommy quietly agreed and said, “The grapevine is rather impressed and worked quite quickly on that story though. So, we did hear that the patient made it to the hospital and was looking at a good prognosis.”
“Oh, yeah. I don’t think your dad or you will ever outrun the reputation of somehow making it out of all kinds of dangerous situations not only alive, but as a hero.”
TK huffed and said, “I don’t really feel like a hero. That might have gone well, but the rest of the day was –“
“It might not have been your best day,” Tommy said, “But grief is a very powerful emotion. It can make you do a lot of things that you wouldn’t do otherwise. We’re both very glad that you were honest with us and I’m sure we’ll be able to work out something for when you’re back at work. Whether that’s sticking you with driving duty more often, sticking to tasks that don’t require you accessing any narcotics or just keeping a closer eye on you until you do feel better. But first, you should take all the available time to mourn.”
TK took a shaky breath even as he nodded his agreement.
From then on, the rest of the meal was filled with lighter topics to counteract the seriousness of TK’s confession, but Carlos didn’t mind the ease of tenseness. He doubted that any of them would be able to full relax with the seriousness of the situation for a while, but he knew from experience that TK needed a healthy mix of tough love and moments of reprieve where he could have a moment to just breathe.
Before he knew it, he was walking Tommy and Nancy to the door as TK started to clean up after hugging the two women as they said their goodbyes.
As he held out the jacket for Nancy, he hesitated for a moment before he said, “TK’s thinking about telling the others as well, but I’m not sure if he’s quite there yet. I’m trying not to pressure him about it, but I can see that even as he thinks that he should tell them, he’s not ready yet to admit it to more people. Since you guys work together, it felt more important to him that you two know.”
Tommy nodded and said, “We’re also able to keep an even closer eye on him and the most likely to be affected workwise if he does slip. We’ll give him time to tell the others.”
Nancy said, “And I’ll let you know if anyone is suspicious. Because – as much as it sucks that I was right to be worried, I’m glad to know so we can keep our eyes open. And if I noticed, I might not have been the only one.”
“I’m sure he’ll appreciate a heads up like that. I know that part of his recovery journey is admitting the truth, but I also offered to let the others know for him. I mean, he has admitted the truth. Does it have to be him that admits it to everyone else in person? I might have to do some more research into that.”
They all took a deep breath and one last glance at where TK was studiously focusing on the cleanup, no doubt aware that they were talking about him.
Nancy sighed and said, “Keep us updated on how he’s doing. And let us know if there’s anything we can do.”
“I will. Thanks for the offer.”
With some more tight smiles, they all offered a final round of goodbyes and then they were out of the door and heading towards the elevator. Carlos sighed as he closed the door, wondering what the next steps should be. He’d thought he’d seen TK at rock bottom when they first met, but truthfully, that had been several weeks after his last relapse when the first steps to getting better had already been taken. Right now, even though TK hadn’t actually relapsed, they were back to the beginning on figuring out how to take the next steps in this journey. A journey that was missing someone who had been quite vital in TK’s journey in life and in his recovery so far.
