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love_sacrificedTitle: The Apology
Author: JE /immortalje
Pairing: None
Summary: While settling his parents' affair after Voldemort's defeat, Harry finds an apology letter from his father to Snape and decides to share it with the portrait of Snape.
Rating: FRT
Words: 1820
Beta: None
Other Locations: Ao3
AN: This is from 2017 and is finally making its way to publication on the internet :)
The Apology
He was 22 years old and he still felt nervous about facing Severus Snape. A Severus Snape in portrait form at that. Maybe it was because he didn’t have anything to defend against. Severus Snape had done a U-turn in Harry’s eyes. He’d gone from a villain ready to kill Harry to a man in love with Harry’s dead mother and protecting Harry in her name. A man looking for redemption. A man who – in Harry’s eyes – had reached redemption while vilifying himself even more.
And now he’d found his parents’ will. A will that contained a letter for Severus Snape with an honest apology that didn’t even ask for forgiveness. He had read it as he had fought for the portrait of Severus Snape to be placed at Hogwarts. Now that the portrait was up, it was time to share it. It felt right. It might be too little too late considering both his father and Severus Snape were dead, but Harry felt that Snape needed to know.
“What do you want?” Snape sneered at him even from the portrait. He didn’t look too happy to be up on the wall.
Harry had to fight not to demand some gratefulness for the man receiving his rightful place.
“Come to gloat? Is that why you wanted me here?”
“No. I realized how much you’ve done for the fight against Voldemort and thought you deserved the recognition. However, that’s not why I’m here. I recently went through my inheritance –“
“Congratulations Potter. Just how rich are you now?”
“Probably not as rich as you think. But that’s not why I’m here. I found my parents’ will and it had apparently never been read. My mother left you some things in memory of your friendship.”
“I don’t need them now, now do I?”
“Which is why they remain where they were.” Harry took a deep breath. “My father left you letter. I already read it – seeing how you’re dead and all. However, after reading it, I think you need to hear it.”
Snape snorted. “Why would I care about what he has to say?”
“It’s not written to insult you. You know, he grew up. He recognized his wrongs and while he might not have been man enough to do it while alive, he nonetheless wrote them down. Please, just listen.”
“Fine.”
“Snape,
I guess I’m dead if you’re reading this. Lily doesn’t know I’m writing this and I’m not sure what she would do if she did.
I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m writing to you from my death. Well, it’s to apologise. I’m not asking for forgiveness. I’m not sure if I deserve it. However, I don’t think that’s a reason not to apologise.
What am I apologising for? Well, I’m sorry about that prank on our first train ride. So far, I hadn’t had much interactions with children my age and my family never quite let me know when a joke went too far. Considering I was the only child of my generation – the only succession to the line – they wanted to avoid anything that could jeopardise this.
I apologise for the years that followed. As you no doubt know – as I’m sure the entire school knew by the end of that first month – I had fallen in love with Lily. Or well, what counts for love at that age. Immature as I was, I wanted all of her attention on me, but she ignored me. I have no doubt that a large part of it went back to that prank on the train. I hated that she spent time with you while ignoring me. I was jealous. It’s as simple as that. I was jealous and I took my anger out on you. With time, jealousy was joined by frustration as she kept rejecting and even ignoring me. I’m not proud of it.
It didn’t help that Sirius hated all things Slytherin to spite his family. As such, he was a willing accomplice in your torment. Soon enough, it wasn’t just boredom. It was easy to blame you for everything that went wrong: with Lily, with Sirius’s family, with school.
I was a foolish idiot who didn’t know better. That doesn’t excuse my behaviour, nor do I expect to be forgiven for that. It just means that I was wrong to do what I did. We should have been taught that lesson, but instead we got away with far too much. Back then, I saw it as justification for what we were doing. By now, I realise that it was the teachers failing all of us. They failed to protect you and they failed to teach us that we were wrong to do as we did.
I think it took me until a year into my marriage with Lily to truly realise just what we’d done. Sure, I grew up and stopped tormenting you as I did, but I still looked at my past actions as fun. By now, I’ve realised it wasn’t just not fun, but that it was downright cruel at times. I wish I could meet my younger self and shake him awake to what he’s doing. I deeply regret how I’ve treated you. There’s pranking the Great Hall in all good fun and then there’s humiliating just one person in front of everyone. I know I will never make up for that and I will carry that burden to my death.
Finally, I want you to know that I released you from all debts to myself. I didn’t know what Sirius had planned that day. I still don’t know if he seriously planned for you to be harmed or if he merely forgot the dangers. We had joined Remus on full moons since we completed our animagus transformation in fifth year. He never hurt us in our forms. It is easy to forget how dangerous he is to a human. None of us knew what he did. Not Remus, not me. I only found out when he gleefully told us close to nightfall.
Right now, I can’t tell who I went down for as things went very quickly from that moment on. I knew that if anything happened to you, Remus would be dead. I also knew that I didn’t want anyone to go through what he did. I’d like to think that I went down there for both of you. I knew that what Sirius had done was wrong, that it was a step too far over the line. It shouldn’t have ever happened.
I won’t lie and say I wasn’t relieved that this was kept quiet as I didn’t want Remus to be expelled, but I knew that Sirius deserved a much worse punishment. A punishment he couldn’t have gotten without revealing what Remus was.
I like to think that that was the point when I first started to reflect on what I had done to you, that it was the point from which on I changed to be a better person.
I’m no fool. I know that I didn’t win Lily because your friendship broke apart and I finally had gotten you out of her life. I know I won her over because she realised that I was changing, that I was starting to realise what kind of an idiot and cruel jerk I had been. I might not have reached that point back then, but she saw that I was starting to head into the right direction.
What pains me the most is that she’s still hurting over you. Not because she still cares about you, but because I’m the reason you’re not there. I might not be the only one to blame, but after pushing for years, I finally made you snap and I had no idea how deep of a scar that would leave on both of you.
I’m not trying to make excuses with this letter – which is why I’m not asking for forgiveness. I want you to know that – no matter how stupid, senseless and idiotic my reasons had been, I did have reasons for what I’ve done. I might not have been aware of them at the time and even if I had been, I would have never admitted to them.
I was a foolish, arrogant idiot who didn’t understand how hard life is.
I also hope that this makes up for all the insincere apologies I gave you throughout the years. I know it’s not enough for forgiveness, but I hope it’s enough to heal some of the wounds I left behind.
James Potter.”
As Harry finished, Snape was suspiciously quiet. He sneaked a look up and saw the surprise and shock on his face. Well, at least what counted for those as far as Snape went.
“I didn’t know he had it in him.” Harry was startled to hear McGonagall behind him. She clearly had overheard at least a part of the letter.
“Sir, you don’t have to say anything. I just – you should have gotten this 21 years ago. He didn’t expect forgiveness and I don’t expect you to forgive him either. I just thought you ought to know.” With that Harry turned and left. He didn’t want to pressure Snape to forgive his father and every second he stayed in that room felt like a silent demand for Snape to do exactly that. He didn’t need to know if Snape forgave his father or not.
~***~
“Severus? Are you alright?”
Severus didn’t reply, so Minerva sighed and sat down at the table. It was time to do some work.
“Did she really miss me? Did she forgive me?”
Minerva startled out of her work. She looked at the portrait, weighing her reply.
“She never said so out loud, but I do believe that she missed your friendship. She was quite stubborn and could hold quite a grudge as you might know. I think by the time she forgave you, she felt it had been too long, that it was too late to accept your apology.”
Severus looked away.
“You know, he recognised how much you lost. How much you sacrificed – for him, for the war, for his mother. I think he saw the boy that Lily had seen in you. He wants those sacrifices honoured. That’s why he fought for your portrait, for your recognition. He too has grown up and learned to see beyond the black and white that his world had been at 11. I also think that you deserve this recognition. We failed you both as a student and as a fellow teacher. I also think this office could use some of your sharp comments.”
Severus huffed and turned towards the other former headmasters and headmistresses. As usual, they were all pretending to be asleep. Minerva was certain that she saw a satisfied smile hush across his face. She had no doubt that he would enjoy himself with enough time.
Author: JE /
immortaljePairing: None
Summary: While settling his parents' affair after Voldemort's defeat, Harry finds an apology letter from his father to Snape and decides to share it with the portrait of Snape.
Rating: FRT
Words: 1820
Beta: None
Other Locations: Ao3
AN: This is from 2017 and is finally making its way to publication on the internet :)
The Apology
He was 22 years old and he still felt nervous about facing Severus Snape. A Severus Snape in portrait form at that. Maybe it was because he didn’t have anything to defend against. Severus Snape had done a U-turn in Harry’s eyes. He’d gone from a villain ready to kill Harry to a man in love with Harry’s dead mother and protecting Harry in her name. A man looking for redemption. A man who – in Harry’s eyes – had reached redemption while vilifying himself even more.
And now he’d found his parents’ will. A will that contained a letter for Severus Snape with an honest apology that didn’t even ask for forgiveness. He had read it as he had fought for the portrait of Severus Snape to be placed at Hogwarts. Now that the portrait was up, it was time to share it. It felt right. It might be too little too late considering both his father and Severus Snape were dead, but Harry felt that Snape needed to know.
“What do you want?” Snape sneered at him even from the portrait. He didn’t look too happy to be up on the wall.
Harry had to fight not to demand some gratefulness for the man receiving his rightful place.
“Come to gloat? Is that why you wanted me here?”
“No. I realized how much you’ve done for the fight against Voldemort and thought you deserved the recognition. However, that’s not why I’m here. I recently went through my inheritance –“
“Congratulations Potter. Just how rich are you now?”
“Probably not as rich as you think. But that’s not why I’m here. I found my parents’ will and it had apparently never been read. My mother left you some things in memory of your friendship.”
“I don’t need them now, now do I?”
“Which is why they remain where they were.” Harry took a deep breath. “My father left you letter. I already read it – seeing how you’re dead and all. However, after reading it, I think you need to hear it.”
Snape snorted. “Why would I care about what he has to say?”
“It’s not written to insult you. You know, he grew up. He recognized his wrongs and while he might not have been man enough to do it while alive, he nonetheless wrote them down. Please, just listen.”
“Fine.”
“Snape,
I guess I’m dead if you’re reading this. Lily doesn’t know I’m writing this and I’m not sure what she would do if she did.
I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m writing to you from my death. Well, it’s to apologise. I’m not asking for forgiveness. I’m not sure if I deserve it. However, I don’t think that’s a reason not to apologise.
What am I apologising for? Well, I’m sorry about that prank on our first train ride. So far, I hadn’t had much interactions with children my age and my family never quite let me know when a joke went too far. Considering I was the only child of my generation – the only succession to the line – they wanted to avoid anything that could jeopardise this.
I apologise for the years that followed. As you no doubt know – as I’m sure the entire school knew by the end of that first month – I had fallen in love with Lily. Or well, what counts for love at that age. Immature as I was, I wanted all of her attention on me, but she ignored me. I have no doubt that a large part of it went back to that prank on the train. I hated that she spent time with you while ignoring me. I was jealous. It’s as simple as that. I was jealous and I took my anger out on you. With time, jealousy was joined by frustration as she kept rejecting and even ignoring me. I’m not proud of it.
It didn’t help that Sirius hated all things Slytherin to spite his family. As such, he was a willing accomplice in your torment. Soon enough, it wasn’t just boredom. It was easy to blame you for everything that went wrong: with Lily, with Sirius’s family, with school.
I was a foolish idiot who didn’t know better. That doesn’t excuse my behaviour, nor do I expect to be forgiven for that. It just means that I was wrong to do what I did. We should have been taught that lesson, but instead we got away with far too much. Back then, I saw it as justification for what we were doing. By now, I realise that it was the teachers failing all of us. They failed to protect you and they failed to teach us that we were wrong to do as we did.
I think it took me until a year into my marriage with Lily to truly realise just what we’d done. Sure, I grew up and stopped tormenting you as I did, but I still looked at my past actions as fun. By now, I’ve realised it wasn’t just not fun, but that it was downright cruel at times. I wish I could meet my younger self and shake him awake to what he’s doing. I deeply regret how I’ve treated you. There’s pranking the Great Hall in all good fun and then there’s humiliating just one person in front of everyone. I know I will never make up for that and I will carry that burden to my death.
Finally, I want you to know that I released you from all debts to myself. I didn’t know what Sirius had planned that day. I still don’t know if he seriously planned for you to be harmed or if he merely forgot the dangers. We had joined Remus on full moons since we completed our animagus transformation in fifth year. He never hurt us in our forms. It is easy to forget how dangerous he is to a human. None of us knew what he did. Not Remus, not me. I only found out when he gleefully told us close to nightfall.
Right now, I can’t tell who I went down for as things went very quickly from that moment on. I knew that if anything happened to you, Remus would be dead. I also knew that I didn’t want anyone to go through what he did. I’d like to think that I went down there for both of you. I knew that what Sirius had done was wrong, that it was a step too far over the line. It shouldn’t have ever happened.
I won’t lie and say I wasn’t relieved that this was kept quiet as I didn’t want Remus to be expelled, but I knew that Sirius deserved a much worse punishment. A punishment he couldn’t have gotten without revealing what Remus was.
I like to think that that was the point when I first started to reflect on what I had done to you, that it was the point from which on I changed to be a better person.
I’m no fool. I know that I didn’t win Lily because your friendship broke apart and I finally had gotten you out of her life. I know I won her over because she realised that I was changing, that I was starting to realise what kind of an idiot and cruel jerk I had been. I might not have reached that point back then, but she saw that I was starting to head into the right direction.
What pains me the most is that she’s still hurting over you. Not because she still cares about you, but because I’m the reason you’re not there. I might not be the only one to blame, but after pushing for years, I finally made you snap and I had no idea how deep of a scar that would leave on both of you.
I’m not trying to make excuses with this letter – which is why I’m not asking for forgiveness. I want you to know that – no matter how stupid, senseless and idiotic my reasons had been, I did have reasons for what I’ve done. I might not have been aware of them at the time and even if I had been, I would have never admitted to them.
I was a foolish, arrogant idiot who didn’t understand how hard life is.
I also hope that this makes up for all the insincere apologies I gave you throughout the years. I know it’s not enough for forgiveness, but I hope it’s enough to heal some of the wounds I left behind.
James Potter.”
As Harry finished, Snape was suspiciously quiet. He sneaked a look up and saw the surprise and shock on his face. Well, at least what counted for those as far as Snape went.
“I didn’t know he had it in him.” Harry was startled to hear McGonagall behind him. She clearly had overheard at least a part of the letter.
“Sir, you don’t have to say anything. I just – you should have gotten this 21 years ago. He didn’t expect forgiveness and I don’t expect you to forgive him either. I just thought you ought to know.” With that Harry turned and left. He didn’t want to pressure Snape to forgive his father and every second he stayed in that room felt like a silent demand for Snape to do exactly that. He didn’t need to know if Snape forgave his father or not.
~***~
“Severus? Are you alright?”
Severus didn’t reply, so Minerva sighed and sat down at the table. It was time to do some work.
“Did she really miss me? Did she forgive me?”
Minerva startled out of her work. She looked at the portrait, weighing her reply.
“She never said so out loud, but I do believe that she missed your friendship. She was quite stubborn and could hold quite a grudge as you might know. I think by the time she forgave you, she felt it had been too long, that it was too late to accept your apology.”
Severus looked away.
“You know, he recognised how much you lost. How much you sacrificed – for him, for the war, for his mother. I think he saw the boy that Lily had seen in you. He wants those sacrifices honoured. That’s why he fought for your portrait, for your recognition. He too has grown up and learned to see beyond the black and white that his world had been at 11. I also think that you deserve this recognition. We failed you both as a student and as a fellow teacher. I also think this office could use some of your sharp comments.”
Severus huffed and turned towards the other former headmasters and headmistresses. As usual, they were all pretending to be asleep. Minerva was certain that she saw a satisfied smile hush across his face. She had no doubt that he would enjoy himself with enough time.
